btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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