I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
