She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
