I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
