yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
