ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
