if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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