Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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