why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
