i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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