Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
