Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
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WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
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I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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