I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
