Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
