if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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