I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
