I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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