I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
