D3 body, D1 cock
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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