Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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