3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
