Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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