Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
