I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
