Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
