I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize
