He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
How does one acquire holy water?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
