I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
