A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
