i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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