I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
