These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
