trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
