Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
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I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
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Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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