I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
