Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I don't want my vagina anymore.
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