i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Houston, we have a squirter
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
