A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
