Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
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