apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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