You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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