Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
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