I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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