my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
