OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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