She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
