I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
