Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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