she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
