my vag is so smooth its legendary
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
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Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
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Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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