I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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