I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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