my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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