After last night, I could never be a politician.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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