oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
