six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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