So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He did a backflip because drugs
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
