Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
