I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
