??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
