She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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