apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
