Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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