im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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