She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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