I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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